All My Belgians, Episode 345

Well, let’s run through a few things here, right quick.

For those of you who wondered why “Pez” Mauresmo, the poster who suggested it was because her head looks like the top of a Pez dispenser had it somewhat right, but not in any way that was meant to make fun of Mauresmo. The thing is, when I look at that Pony Tail, I see the natural thumb trigger of a Pez dispenser, and the way this girl pops out winners, it seemed a natural fit. Push back on the pony tail, out pops a winner. Pez.

Now on the Fed Cup story – make that back-story. My best source in Belgium says that Carlos Rodriguez apparently has been taking an increasingly larger role in Justme - er, Justine’s – career since the Australian Open. Note that Carlos, not Justine, was the one who posted the message explaining whey she’s skipping the final at her website.

Andre Stein, the President of the Francophone segment of the Belgian tennis federation (ATF – and no, it’s no relation to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, the U.S. agency with which I, if not Justine, presently happen to be feuding) has confirmed that the two main complaints made by Carlos – that Justine was asked not to disclose that she is skipping the tie until late in the day (thereby not tipping the Belgian hand to the Americans – as if they were going to run out and sign up Venus or Serena Williams upon hearing the news!), and that she was dis-invited from attending the tie, are basically true.

So was it wrong for Justine to want to attend the tie, and a mistake for the suits to forbid her from doing so? The answers to me are, a: Absolutely. B: Absolutely not.

You know, we’ve been through this kind of thing before, most recently with Mark Philippoussis and the Australian Davis Cup squad a few years back. Then as now, the general impression was that the star in question didn’t really “feel like” playing, but wanted to attach himself to the effort. And then as now, the response was spontaneous, natural, visceral - and just what I suggested Champagne Kimmy should say in response to Justine’s cavalier, arrogant offer: “Who the hell do you think you are?”

If you doubt my logic or wisdom in this matter, just imagine this scenario: After helping Kimmmy take Belgium to the semifinals of Fed Cup (and you can substitute any player or nation) Justine breaks a leg. Although she’s sideline and in a full cast, she wants to be present for Belgium’s subsequent matches. Does anybody think Champagne Kimmy – or anyone else – would have a problem with that? Of course not. But this - this is like an NFL football star saying he doesn’t want to play in the Conference Championship game, but wants to suit up and watch from the sidelines, and maybe play in the Super Bowl if the team wins.

This isn't just baffling, it's insulting.

Here are some big-picture theories on the intrigue and machinations percolating under the surface of this feud:

1 – The snub of Justine played right into the plans and designs of her camp, because they give a kind of post-facto legitimacy to her indifference to Fed Cup and her curiously passive-aggressive (and lame) attempt to assert herself as the Numero Uno Belgian diva and superstar (kind of like the Belgian Beyonce, but without the. . . oh, never mind). Once again, hasn’t the tie itself, and this entire narrative, become a Tale of Pool Little Justine, Misunderstood and Much Abused but Ever Sensitive Superstar?

Kim Clijsters? Well, the merry milkmaid has never has been very good at this kind of duplicity, and once again Champagne Kimmy winds up looking like, well, chopped liver (As in, “Sure you’re star, JuJu, but what am I? Chopped Liver?”) I have this image in my head of long-suffering Kimmy, her hair in a kerchief, dutifully mopping up the halls where the Fed Cup tie was played, long after the fans have gone home. She’s just showing what kind of person she really is. A humble person. A team player. A “regular girl”, not like Justine, who’s not just high maintenance, but helicopter maintenance (seven hours of maintenance for each hour of flight).

So this all unfolded perfectly for Carlos and Justine: she now has completed this year’s requirement for eligibility to compete in the next Olympic Games, she’s stolen the show (sound familiar, Aussie friends?) from her main domestic rival, and she’s come off looking like the victim. Call it the JuJu Trifecta!

This latest controversy also reinforces the notion that, compared to the bickering in Belgium, the prospect of negotiating a lasting peace in the Middle East is a no-brainer. It’s pretty clear that Carlos and Justine have a deep-seated need to be at odds with the world. Somehow, it appears to feed their agenda and ambitions. Jimmy Connors was much the same way but, perhaps because he was an American (Whoops, sorry! Gringo!) instead of an urbane, civilized western European, he felt no overpowering need to lie through his teeth about his real needs and motives, nor to dissemble about them with the kind of dizzying nuance and complexity that would make a poet-statesman like Dominque de Villepin proud (quick now, somebody tell me to go watch NASCAR!).

In other words, Connors would simply say, “Hell yes, it is all about me! You got a problem with that, creep?”

2 Here’s the another thing, if you didn’t believe this painfully tedious in-fighting couldn’t get much slicker – or sicker. Carlos currently has a contract with the ATF (the overseas one), but he is also planning to open a “Justine Henin Tennis Academy” (Samantha – you’re a kid, it’s not too late!) – a private academy that would be a direct and presumably formidable competitor with the federation’s programs. That’s another reason why creating an “us” vs. “them” atmosphere may be valuable; it’s called something like “brand differentiation”, no?

Anyway, a fair number of people – and I’m happy to say they happen to be the people in whose opinions I put some stock – happen to agree with the real point of my last post on this subject (Justine d’Arc) , which is that these terrible animosities and petty explosions of self-interest are really besmirching Belgium shining moment, and preventing the Little Nation that Could from basking in it’s due glory as a nation where something glorious and only borderline credible has happened.

That’s the pitiable aspect of this whole saga, the tarnish on the Belgian miracle. Imagine how nice it would be if Champagne Kimmy and Justine d’Arc both were team players?

That’s enough on this. Serena later.